Because the sky is blue, it makes me cry

random nothingness

2005-11-10T21:00:00.000-08:00

i should be doing homework right now. my mind just isn't in a homework place.

somewhere else. i exist somewhere else in this moment.

love is a battlefield. measure in love. cradle me. pretty things. sweetness. crystal clear. mend. cringe. speak. tip toe. camp. twist. lips. mister. dwindle. peach. cripple. stiff. tread. mark. cream. try me. lock the door behind you. steep. mean. come back. leave me alone. into the night. i'll call you back. easy does it. let go. make me. please. no. pure. vent. afterwards. alcoholic. fuck you. elderly. done. far away from it. new friends. LET GO. who are you? disease. disappoint. unknown. leave. sick of it. something else. remember? i don't care. i love you. hate? look at this photograph. good luck. stay dry. history. high quality. more and more. personal. individual. allow. control. concern. family. real. fight. dream big. go ahead. compliment your features. sweet deal. sing loudly. unlike any other. consideration. meltdown. falsify. crave. professor. really good mood. problem. helping me. angry e-mail. anything goes. kick him out. rock bottom. get out of here. admit it. crazy. messy. lied. sorry. focus group. hear my ideas. i'm straight. take me to lunch. right through there. programming. spoiled. gone. just a joke. new. middle of the night. substance. fear factor. absolute. phobia. make magic. worldly. listen. honey. hard time. get over it. same boat. from now on. deal. room full of drunks. profit. inside look. vanilla. pick it up. comfortable ride. available. different ways. all over the place. beauty. every time. perfect. save. evolve. time to change it all up. sexual health. perspective. unlike anything. see it now. say that you love me. drawn to it. frosting. warm. on the go. courage. pitter patter. apply. conceive. nap. research. just boys. today. winds of change. encounter. good to see you. don't want to hear about it. assumptions. did you know her? passion. welcome back. surprise. can i help you? staring contest. remarkable. art. confess. ward off evil. airport. furniture. notice. story. welcome. woes. fire. placeholder. abuse. weather. leave it to fate. not at all. such a pleasure. sit down. master. thanks anyway. how can you not see it? mannerisms. think. nothing. related. ok. autobiography. similarly. go ahead. churning. massage. limp. out to dinner. check on it. speedy recovery. fresh new look. glimpse into the future. you're fired. lemonade for sale. what's your story? sorry i'm late. enya. yoga. paradise. tastes like chicken. luminous. livid. say hello to my little friend. make him an offer he can't refuse. advice. ignore it. finish up. who knows? drive yourself crazy. strong sense of ethics. spin out of control. stubbornness. defense. dismissal. worst case scenario. feel the same way. you know that. how about it? unpleasant. give it a name. unconditional. hypothesis. children. one of a kind. musical. biological pleasure. life partner. your cab is waiting. can't thank you enough. going down? accepting. confide. saved my life. really something. take care. if i loved you. time after time. give it to me. stuck with it. look who it is. only. follow the rules. from coast to coast. eyes wide open. try to fix you. possibilities. dream on. universal. what? whoa.

on ordinary moments and new ideas: chinese food and marriage

2005-09-27T23:37:00.000-07:00

"there are no ordinary moments." this came from a fortune cookie that i ate about a month and a half ago.

if i remember correctly, i was eating sweet-n-sour chicken and pork fried rice with kristyn and i was talking/complaining about my life lacking excitement. "i need some of that pleasant drama we all tend to experience from time to time...it's been too long"...blah blah blah. although i had become intensely full and felt as if i was on the verge of exploding, i ate my cookie, pulled the little fortune out and smiled as i realized i was being ridiculous for letting myself forget that life is whatever you want it to be. that ever-present universal force can only take you so far. opportunities are thrown in your general direction and a lot the time, you have to put in some effort to manifest the unfolding of events and bring to life, your own excitement and happiness.

for some reason, i never threw that fortune away and it's been sitting here at my computer ever since that day. it's a nice little reminder when i find myself bored with a particular phase of my journey (like tonight), of how rich life is and how much beauty there is in the world around me.

anyway...

my cousin got married this past weekend (september 24th). she's 23, her husband 24. i sat and watched this girl i grew up with make the biggest promise she'll ever make to another human being, to herself, to all of her friends and her family, to the entire world. it was one of the most beautiful things i've ever been a part of. as i viewed this breathtaking ceremony, i felt as if there was a little girl in me crying out "i want that. i truly want that for ME. i want to meet the man of my dreams, fall in love and wholeheartedly swear to be with him forever. i want to wear a gorgeous white dress and walk down the aisle as he, my soul mate, cries because i look so fucking amazing and he can't even believe how greatly he looks forward to spending the rest of his existence with me."

i cried. happy tears for her, for them...and not so happy tears for me. they weren't quite sad. i was more startled, if not completely shocked that my normal feelings and opinions about marriage seemed to be momentarily erased, and replaced with these strange and unfamiliar ideas...these crazy, weird, "exact opposite of what i really think" ideas.

and so now i ponder: is my inner "truth" still what i've always thought it to be? do i, like most females i know, actually want that fairytale wedding and the lifestyle that follows? do i even believe it's possible that being married could and would "work" for me? right now, as i sit here and type, i feel about marriage the way i always have. it's just not for me. i simply can't imagine making such a huge commitment to another person...not with the knowledge of how things change so constantly. feelings and the ways in which we see people change, often go away. life = flux; there is no stopping or changing that. it doesn't seem right to me to promise someone you'll always feel the same way about them if you can't be absolutely sure that's the case. however, what do i know? maybe the kind of love it would take for my mind to permanently change does exist. maybe i just haven't found it. maybe, not yet.

i suppose anything's possible...

and the living is easy...

2005-07-13T15:56:00.000-07:00

Life is nice these days. It’s warm outside. Everything is alive and happy to be.

I have a job which under normal circumstances would make me unhappy because I’m lazy and I hate working. However, for some unexplainable reason, it’s all good. It’s a nice little job. The people I work for are fantastic, laid back and when it comes down to it, really quite amusing. I truly enjoy being there. And besides that, it’s certainly nice to have money to do things I enjoy…summer things.

My sister's home from Florida and the time we've spent together since she got back on Father’s Day has been absolutely wonderful..."stellar" as the adorable, big-haired waiter at Applebee’s named Mitchell might say.

The fifth annual luau was an absolute success. From what I hear, we stole the crowds of 2 other Saddle Brook parties AND Ed’s. I don’t know about you but that’s pretty much one of the greatest things I’ve ever heard. This was the best one yet, in my opinion. If you missed it…well then it’s a damn shame for you...

happy people dancing in the rain, at least 17 cases of beer, 4 separate shooting stars seen by 4 separate sets of eyes, a water damaged yet frequently used and immensely loved cardboard cutout, a visit from police officers at 1 in the morning responding to a noise complaint and telling us to shut the hell up, jeff smith/the only person whose presence no one could bring themselves to comprehend, my beautiful cousins from Virginia that I haven't seen in years and need to see a hell of a lot more of, a disgustingly filthy Kevin Crawley falling all over himself in my kitchen at 2am, hours of painfully intense beer pong, 12 pizza pies and 3 orders of breadsticks (my father is the lord), Eric Wormann, raw chicken, the most delicious steak I’ve ever eaten in my entire 23 years of being alive (thank you, Jay), Bob Marley and The Beta Band singing to us from the heavens (aka Connie’s bedroom window), ...and what I consider to be a poetic and perfect end to it all; a closed circle of about 10 amazingly different yet in those moments, completely united human beings sitting around a fire in the backyard (or as we like to call it, “the pit” or “Connie’s new home”) getting high together, giggling into the night and absolutely loving each other until 4 in the morning.

In short, "we had a party and people came". It was magical. I loved every second of it. Thank you all for coming and we’ll see you next year for number VI. Good job, K-man. Let's keep up the good work. I mean come on, even my mother had an awesome time, and she fucking hates the luau with everything inside of her.

“Six Feet Under” is way too rapidly nearing its extremely dreaded end and I could not be sadder about it. On the other hand, this fifth and final season has been absolutely breathtaking and I could not be more thrilled about the direction it’s taking, however upsetting it may be to watch. So I suppose it all evens out in the end. Just to warn you all though…it’s going to be one of the most awful moments of my life, that last “fade to black”, and I may be depressed for at least a week after it’s all over. I realize I may sound a bit obsessed, a bit freakish, a bit ridiculous, maybe even awful and shitty to some of you…that’s only because I am…all those things. It’s okay. I’ve accepted it. I’m aware that it’s only a television program. I just don’t care.

"So naive to keep holding on to what I want to believe. I can see but I keep holding on and on and on and on"...

2005-06-14T01:25:00.000-07:00

hmmm...so what is there to say?

ever since the nine inch nails show, i've been having intense dreams about trent reznor. last night he pulled me up on stage with him and, looking deep into my eyes, sang to me in front of thousands of screaming people, including hans herman who later in the dream proceeded to strut across the stage and auction himself off to all the ladies in the crowd. they loved it. and all the while, beautiful trent loved me with everything in him.

this morning, i heard a nails song on the way to craftmatic and it gave me goose bumps like i’ve never experienced goose bumps before. what do you think it means? i wonder if i'll ever get to see nine inch nails live again before i die. i sure hope so. where is that hans, anyway?

there's going to be a PINK FLOYD REUNION. fuck all of us who matter for not being able to be there, right? first time they'll all be together in 24 years. screw you london, you lucky bastards. dave, rich, nick AND ROGER together again? shit on it. no, not on it...it's great. shit on me...and you.

six feet under...B E S T. ask rob, he knows. mort does not know, however. so don't ask him.

luau is july 9th. come if you rule. don't if you suck. you all know who you are.

where's connie?

"do you want to change it?"

a message for the bird...

2005-04-21T16:05:00.000-07:00

stop forgetting that if i don't hear from you for a while, i start to think you're angry with me. to swipe the simile that kevin uses to describe his beautiful kristyn, i'm like a puppy...i need constant reassurance of your undying love for me.

some things i want you to know:

i'm glad that you were able to make a decision about whether or not to stay. i'd like to think that the talk we had while you were waiting for your friend to return and i was waiting for my class to begin, played a part in helping you make that decision...but it's ok if it didn't. the point is, for whatever it's worth, i am proud of you. i don't think i've told you that before. to "tear down the wall" and be completely open with you, i've been envious of your courage, your life, so exciting and so new to you. i was longing for a place of excitement and newness (i still do a lot of the time) and couldn't seem to get there like you did, at least not to stay.

i really couldn't dislike that emotion any more than i already do, “jealousy”...it's so damn useless, and yet somehow, so painfully inevitable. i suppose it's human nature to a certain extent. however, one of my main objectives has been to try to eliminate it from my life. it’s toxic and i have no use for something that gets in the way of my potentially beautiful journey through life, fucking things up that are simple, pure and good. anyway...

i miss when constantly being a part of each other's lives was one of the bricks that made up our everyday existences. sometimes it feels like we hardly know each other at all anymore. i hate that. though, i do recognize that much of the blame rests on me and my occasional inability to see the truth of situations clearly. my insecurities cloud my vision, and the sadness of missing you seems to turn to resentment. i wish it didn't and i'm slowly but surely teaching myself to not let it. i do not want to be angry with you for leaving, for staying, for being so happy somewhere that's not here; it's awfully silly, completely irrational and the exact opposite of what i know is right.

i want you to know that the anger that may have come across in any of our communications has only been due to how greatly i have missed you.

and i want you to know that my awareness of how happy i am for you, how proud i am of you for what you've done for yourself and what you’ve accomplished...that awareness is the unrivaled truth in me that i know is always there, shining the brightest, and surrounded by the immeasurable amount of unconditional love that i have for you.

so congratulations on making a difficult choice. it's quite likely that you're now a stronger person because of it.

and i swear on all that's holy, you better come to the freakin’ luau.

where's nirvan?

2005-04-16T04:59:00.000-07:00

ed's, right?

IT'S SPRING. remember when it wasn't and life was miserable? the trees are blossoming. soon everything will be green and you will never see me not smiling. we have a new backyard. luau soon. summertime is heavenly.

tell scott his big hair is sexy.

mitch's brilliance allows him to write plays that become huge. i love him. everyone should.

six feet under. june 6th. i can't.

it's 5 am. do you know where your...forget it.

flowing more freely than wine

2005-04-09T03:21:00.000-07:00

this has been one of the best nights i've experienced in quite some time. beatlefest takes the cake. i danced, i sang, i laughed, i bought things. i smiled and loved every moment. i'm incredibly rejuvenated.

people love the beatles. seriously, they fucking LOVE them. the energy in the room as all the beatles fans come together, playing their guitars, their tambourines, singing their hearts out...it's intense. it's an amazing feeling to know that all of you are there for the same exact reason. you all love and appreciate this music, these wonderful, beautiful men--john, paul, george, ringo--you love them, and you love what they stood for and what they continue to stand for, their message. LOVE LOVE LOVE. love, peace, goodness. forgive me, i'm drunk and enthusiastic.

there will be an answer, let it be.

click me

2005-03-05T14:39:00.000-08:00

everyone in my house has fallen under zuma's spell. i certainly seem to be unable to get enough of it.

freddy's last haircut has left him looking like a little lion boy. i love him...he loves my mother...my mother loves shaking her ass in the kitchen while singing along to elton john songs, and vacuuming whatever room it is that i happen to be watching dr phil in.

jim and kim have both been sick for a year and a half straight...or so they'd like us to believe. i have my suspicions that while they claim they're home in bed dying, they're actually going out every night, attempting to perfect the art of ballroom dancing.

my sister's coming home for good. no she isn't. yes she is. no she isn't. yes she is.

i can not believe i'm going to see nine inch nails. i haven't been this excited since the ridiculously short-lived return of BK's rodeo cheese burger.

spring is coming.

i'm leaving for the windy city in a week. 3rd time back...i may never come home so say goodbye to me before saturday.

i miss six feet under more than words could ever express and the painfully long wait for the fifth and final season is very possibly going to be the excruciating death of me.

i haven't smoked a cigarette in a month. congratulate me.

i would voluntarily and gladly get another tooth pulled (maybe even more than one) for the laughing gas and the vicodin.

urinating at ed's, simultaneously with kristyn while sitting right beside her has become something i actually find myself looking forward to.

"i want to live in a wooden house where making more friends would be easy. i want to live where the sun comes out." coldplay heals me.

a certain boy we all know and love is going to be the lead in a play. at his request, i will not reveal his identity, but you should try to find out and bring him flowers.

tell kevin not to dye his hair black.

"i saw you at a perfect place. it's gonna happen soon but not today. so go to sleep and make the change. i'll meet you here tomorrow. independence day."

i love all of you.

how near or how far...

2005-02-24T01:41:00.000-08:00

every new day i'm alive, life gets a little more...something. i guess i lack for the right adjective. the truth is, i'm not sure where i am. this place, this state of being...it's unknown and new.

inevitably, i still miss. i've found that throughout a lifetime, there is always going to be something to miss because everything continues to change so constantly. and that's ok with me. actually, the changing of things and situations and ways is now something i can see as beautiful, right, and a lot of the time necessary.
i'm always amazed by how little we can really know regarding the movement of time. did you know or even think you'd be where you are right now 5 years ago? 1 year ago? 3 months ago? maybe, but probably not. the way i used to conceptualize the passing of time caused me to fear it...at times desperately. now this fresh perception i've somehow developed leaves me excited, and wonderfully hopeful.
maybe it's faith. faith is something new to me. being the skeptic i tend to be, it never felt possible to have true faith in anything because i doubted everything. i struggled with the idea that i'd never come to find anything i could wholeheartedly believe in. certain ideas, theories and religions sparked my interest but i never felt strongly enough about any of them to even consider taking them on as my own.
but, as i'm sure i've stated before, something happened to me on that trip i took. something life changing and spectacular. words could not possibly do it justice. it's a feeling. it was an energy shift. i came home feeling and continue to feel new. rested. fresh. ready. able...and i gained faith. i believe it changed me, that faith. faith in this world, in the universal force that is the cause of everything (namely, god...to some). faith in reasons behind all happenings. faith in divine timing. in love. in relationships with other human beings. in myself. my heart races at the simple recollection of those moments in which i felt everything come together. this faith i've been so incredibly blessed to have realized... this faith is the reason and the meaning behind every smile you will see on my face until the day i leave this earth.

i should have been asleep hours ago...early classes. thank you and goodnight.

yesterday i woke up sucking a lemon

2005-01-17T17:45:00.000-08:00

Take a long hot shower and listen to Kid A...you’ll never be the same.

There are musicians in this world whose creations I at certain times, actually feel myself needing...craving. The sounds, the chords, the melodies, the voices, the rhythms, the lyrics even, all put together in such magnificent ways, inspiring people, provoking every kind of emotion and sensation imaginable, healing. I can’t even bring myself to consider what life would be like without being able to listen to and hear these things. I’m grateful.

Did life actually exist before I was introduced to the indescribable beauty that is Radiohead? The complete and utter poetic perfection that is Elliott Smith? The wonderful stories told by Bob Dylan’s voice that never leave me without a smile on my face or a tear running down my cheek? The honesty and warmth that radiate out from within the songs of Iron and Wine? I could seriously go on forever.

There are so many incredible artists out there. I can only hope that they are/were content AT LEAST, swimming in the awareness of their amazing abilities. To be able to add something so beautiful to people’s lives is a fucking gift. Pure, and at times intoxicating goodness...God fucking bless every single one of them.

2004-12-11T10:35:00.000-08:00

This is Jim. He's a liar so don't ever believe anything he says to you. He enjoys nothing more than trying to convince people to believe things that aren't true. And when he succeeds, he cheers proudly as he knows he has won. His victory makes me ill and he needs to be stopped.

2004-12-11T10:34:00.000-08:00

"I'm a ghoooost. I lived in your civil war house."

2004-12-11T10:31:00.000-08:00

"My name is Sam. I work with meatloaf. Let's all live in harmony."

2004-12-11T10:29:00.000-08:00

"The cold air feels good on my tootsies."

2004-12-11T10:28:00.000-08:00

"Eat that, you dirty duck."

2004-12-11T10:27:00.000-08:00

"Hey Jen, you wanna BE mummies?...let's lay in bed like mummies...let's BE MUMMIES!"

2004-12-11T10:26:00.000-08:00

"I'm made of gingerbread. I'M A GINGERBREAD MAN."

I've got your update right here...

2004-12-11T10:21:00.000-08:00

Just to make it clear for all you blog readers...all these quotes from above?...that's right, they did all truly come from the lying mouth of Jim. Now, I don't know about you, but I certainly would not be inclined to believe anyone that ever tried to inform me that he is actually made of cookie...DOWN WITH JIMMY ROBINSON AND ALL HIS FILTHY LIES!!!

blogging away

2004-12-07T03:20:00.000-08:00

Been thinking. All the time I’ve had on my hands recently has allowed me to do so, to great lengths. All the feelings I have in me regarding my trip are of a nature that seems to be inexpressible.

I recall the morning of my departure. The fear that I felt was so incredibly overwhelming. I was leaving here, leaving this town, this house, for 2 months. It’s a short amount of time, I’m aware, but it was scary. Exciting but very scary. Leaving the bubble.
The night before, some friends took me out to dinner. I recall looking at all of them, watching them interact as they sat around the table at the restaurant, and becoming sad at the thought of not seeing them; these people, these faces, so familiar, so comfortable...safe. Upon being dropped off at home that night, there were a number of "goodbyes" and "have funs" and "be safes". I remember tears coming to my eyes as I said goodbye to Jim, my scarecrow, him being the last person I hugged. I was sad to leave. Sad and afraid of what was to come. Afraid of the unknown, as I usually tend to be.

It’s funny. The fear I felt about leaving here and going there, was almost nothing compared to the fear I felt about leaving there and coming back here.

The month spent there was honestly the greatest month I ever lived. Going into specific detail is not something I’ll do. Not here, anyway. All I can really say is that I feel new. I feel cleaner. I feel stronger and more adept at dealing with situations that life throws at me. I’ve learned. I’ve realized. I’ve become aware. And I am beyond grateful for all the amazing people I met in Chicago. The love I have for them...it’s just too strong and too much to put into words.

So I’m here now. Back here. "Home" , if you will. Things are different and things are the same. Being home again isn’t what I expected it to be. Then again, I’m not quite sure what I expected it to be. I know though, that everything is as it is supposed to be. The things that are different are allowing me to grow and the things that are the same...that’s all, they’re just the same.
I look forward to going to school. I think about it often. I enjoy learning like nothing else. And I feel that many new experiences await me, as long as I’m open to them. And I am, Open to newness.

more to come, I suppose...