Thursday, April 21, 2005

a message for the bird...

stop forgetting that if i don't hear from you for a while, i start to think you're angry with me. to swipe the simile that kevin uses to describe his beautiful kristyn, i'm like a puppy...i need constant reassurance of your undying love for me.

some things i want you to know:

i'm glad that you were able to make a decision about whether or not to stay. i'd like to think that the talk we had while you were waiting for your friend to return and i was waiting for my class to begin, played a part in helping you make that decision...but it's ok if it didn't. the point is, for whatever it's worth, i am proud of you. i don't think i've told you that before. to "tear down the wall" and be completely open with you, i've been envious of your courage, your life, so exciting and so new to you. i was longing for a place of excitement and newness (i still do a lot of the time) and couldn't seem to get there like you did, at least not to stay.

i really couldn't dislike that emotion any more than i already do, “jealousy”'s so damn useless, and yet somehow, so painfully inevitable. i suppose it's human nature to a certain extent. however, one of my main objectives has been to try to eliminate it from my life. it’s toxic and i have no use for something that gets in the way of my potentially beautiful journey through life, fucking things up that are simple, pure and good. anyway...

i miss when constantly being a part of each other's lives was one of the bricks that made up our everyday existences. sometimes it feels like we hardly know each other at all anymore. i hate that. though, i do recognize that much of the blame rests on me and my occasional inability to see the truth of situations clearly. my insecurities cloud my vision, and the sadness of missing you seems to turn to resentment. i wish it didn't and i'm slowly but surely teaching myself to not let it. i do not want to be angry with you for leaving, for staying, for being so happy somewhere that's not here; it's awfully silly, completely irrational and the exact opposite of what i know is right.

i want you to know that the anger that may have come across in any of our communications has only been due to how greatly i have missed you.

and i want you to know that my awareness of how happy i am for you, how proud i am of you for what you've done for yourself and what you’ve accomplished...that awareness is the unrivaled truth in me that i know is always there, shining the brightest, and surrounded by the immeasurable amount of unconditional love that i have for you.

so congratulations on making a difficult choice. it's quite likely that you're now a stronger person because of it.

and i swear on all that's holy, you better come to the freakin’ luau.


Blogger Jackie said...

i'm crying. i love you.

3:33 PM  

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