Tuesday, September 27, 2005

on ordinary moments and new ideas: chinese food and marriage

"there are no ordinary moments." this came from a fortune cookie that i ate about a month and a half ago.

if i remember correctly, i was eating sweet-n-sour chicken and pork fried rice with kristyn and i was talking/complaining about my life lacking excitement. "i need some of that pleasant drama we all tend to experience from time to time...it's been too long"...blah blah blah. although i had become intensely full and felt as if i was on the verge of exploding, i ate my cookie, pulled the little fortune out and smiled as i realized i was being ridiculous for letting myself forget that life is whatever you want it to be. that ever-present universal force can only take you so far. opportunities are thrown in your general direction and a lot the time, you have to put in some effort to manifest the unfolding of events and bring to life, your own excitement and happiness.

for some reason, i never threw that fortune away and it's been sitting here at my computer ever since that day. it's a nice little reminder when i find myself bored with a particular phase of my journey (like tonight), of how rich life is and how much beauty there is in the world around me.


my cousin got married this past weekend (september 24th). she's 23, her husband 24. i sat and watched this girl i grew up with make the biggest promise she'll ever make to another human being, to herself, to all of her friends and her family, to the entire world. it was one of the most beautiful things i've ever been a part of. as i viewed this breathtaking ceremony, i felt as if there was a little girl in me crying out "i want that. i truly want that for ME. i want to meet the man of my dreams, fall in love and wholeheartedly swear to be with him forever. i want to wear a gorgeous white dress and walk down the aisle as he, my soul mate, cries because i look so fucking amazing and he can't even believe how greatly he looks forward to spending the rest of his existence with me."

i cried. happy tears for her, for them...and not so happy tears for me. they weren't quite sad. i was more startled, if not completely shocked that my normal feelings and opinions about marriage seemed to be momentarily erased, and replaced with these strange and unfamiliar ideas...these crazy, weird, "exact opposite of what i really think" ideas.

and so now i ponder: is my inner "truth" still what i've always thought it to be? do i, like most females i know, actually want that fairytale wedding and the lifestyle that follows? do i even believe it's possible that being married could and would "work" for me? right now, as i sit here and type, i feel about marriage the way i always have. it's just not for me. i simply can't imagine making such a huge commitment to another person...not with the knowledge of how things change so constantly. feelings and the ways in which we see people change, often go away. life = flux; there is no stopping or changing that. it doesn't seem right to me to promise someone you'll always feel the same way about them if you can't be absolutely sure that's the case. however, what do i know? maybe the kind of love it would take for my mind to permanently change does exist. maybe i just haven't found it. maybe, not yet.

i suppose anything's possible...